Free

It's been awhile, and I don't know why. Maybe it's the moving, unpacking, and drastic life changes or maybe, just maybe it's because my thoughts could kill me. 

Not knowing what to do in life and where to go is hard, but it's even harder when you're deciding for two. I don't know what I want, or who I'm supposed to be, or what to even think right now. But, I do know one thing, my child has showed me no matter what I did or will do he will always be my biggest fan. I love that little boy, more than humanly possible. 

It drives me crazy that I'm so hard headed. I swear I know what I want, who I am, and what to be like, when in reality I sure as heck don't. I make permanent decisions on temporary circumstances and I hurt, actually destroy, people along the way. I feel like that is all I know how to do. It's terrible and most definitely unintentional. I don't know how to fix it but I know I can't live with the regret bottled in me any longer. I'm publicly saying sorry to all of the people that I owe it to, and I really should be saying more.   

I don't know what I want and never have. But I do know what love is and I know what it is supposed to feel like. In a way I feel free from all the negativity, drama, and bitterness but in a way I also feel so utterly lost. 

Life changes everyday. And waits for no one. 

Timing really is everything. 

All the best,

Ash

I don't even have time for this blog. BUT, what in the living HELL is Jenna thinking. I could die right now. I hate Collin. This can't be real life. I am so totally #teamMatty and now my life is over. Awkard. Completely.        

           

Well, after laying my aunt Donna to rest yesterday I must admit I am on a wild rollercoaster full of 50,000 different emotions. My heart aches that I wont have anymore thoughtful gifts, goody bags, or the most amazing company at every occasion. Her smile could light up the entire world and she was the most perfect child of God ever created. I will never understand why this happened to her. Ever. I have been so overwhelmed and busy but at the same time I have been living in slow motion. Always on the go. Always doing something. Always going somewhere. I wish I could sit down, relax, plan in my planner, blog on my blogger, and listen to endless stories told by the sweet little lady who went to be with the lord. I hate death. I hate all that comes with it. I have never understood it and I don't think I ever will. I wonder where my family is at and if everyone made it home safely as they traveled back home. I wonder what my aunt Donna is doing right now at this very moment. I wonder how bad this storm is going to be and if everyone I love and know and even the ones I don't, if they will stay safe. I wonder why the good die young and why bad HAS to happen to good people. Why why why why why? I feel so lost and alone right now and I know it is just part of the grieving. Not much seems to really make sense to me lately (probably because my mind is an endless rut that never stops).   The highlight of my week has been Pinterest. STUPID or what?!?!? I have let Pinterest consume endless hours of daydreaming, wedding planning, and baby fevering occur. I am actually writing down every ingredient to all of the newest recipes I posted (well, I was) so I can test them all out and change things up a bit. Friday is my grocery shopping day so I am actually planning ahead, for once. I keep promising myself I am going to be this great organized mom, house keeper, and girlfriend. It hasn't worked out even slightly. Life has a way of throwing curve balls. That, or I am not meant to be "that" type of a mom or person.   Oh, and as I prepare to go to all of these graduations, I literally want to puke at the thought of having been graduated for 4 years now. I'm old and grown. The two things I do NOT want to be at all.