Well, Hello!

It's been awhile. But for good reason- This girl right here finished her first semester at USF with an A+ in every single class!

Have no fear though; I'm still the same Taylor Swift lovin', coffee drinkin', Christmas obsessive, Jessica Simpson wanna-be girl.

Thoughts run through my mind more than most people could ever imagine. And since I have so many other prior obligations that prevent me from expressing them sometimes I just go crazy. So there's your warning about this mumbled jumbled rambled blob of words you're about to read.


I saw this girl walking around the mall with her grandma and she was literally glued to her phone. Her poor grandma was telling her what looked like the most incredible story ever told and the little snob didn't even lift her head or stop her thumb to acknowledge even one word. SOME PEOPLE WOULD KILL TO WALK THE MALL WITH THEIR GRANDMA!! Let alone hear the famous "sit down and let me tell you a little story."
The holidays really make me miss my gran, if ya can't tell. Appreciate the elders you have in your life people, growing old is seriously a privileged denied to way too many.

Y'all all know what compare and contrast is, right? You know, in school you were given two stories and you were instructed to document what was similar and what was different. Well, remember also being told in school that "someday you'll need this?" or even remember thinking, *I will never need to know this in the future.* COMPARE AND CONTRAST is something you need to apply every single day. We all blame society yet let's not forget what society consists of: US! WE are constantly comparing our lives (stories) to others but we never contrast the two. We are set on the fact that she has this and she does this and she looks like this rather than pointing out what we have what we do and what we look like. WE, every single one of us, are different. We are unique, we are specially made, and we are ALL perfect in the eyes of the only person that matters. DO NOT FORGET THIS!

*yes, my capitalization is me yelling*

Ok, back to what matters... C H R I S T M A S!

If you're like me and watch what you eat and try to be better than I know how hard the holidays are going to be. Don't beat yourself up or waste precious time counting your calories. ENJOY your Christmas- it only comes around once a year. You have 364 other days to eat right. I stress about my weight and I constantly fluctuate between diets and eating horrible... Just make smart choices. Indulge if you have to but not 3 times a day. Work out once or twice a week, not be upset because you didn't go every single day- we are all busy, I get it. If I had free time where I sat at home that would be different. Remember, your body is the only thing that is yours indefinitely.. take care of it; just don't forget you're also a mom, a student, an intern, an employee, a girlfriend, and the list continues.,.

My only reason for blogging is to get all that's on my chest... OFF! And it is my only hope and wish that maybe it will help someone else too who finds themselves in my same shoes.

I STRESS ABOUT EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING- even uncontrollable things so this is my place to try and figure and sort it all out (with that being said, thanks for taking the time to read and embark this process with me).

CHRISTMAS, right, CHRISTMAS.
Some people are so not in the Christmas spirit, and I hate that- Likeeeeee what's a gal gotta do to make wearing Christmas sweaters and blasting Christmas music every single day okay?
OH, and while you're out shopping and sitting in traffic- don't forget what you're shopping and waiting for- CHRISTMAS! (side note- I've been extra impatient this year, so I had to remind myself of this at least 80 times while sitting in the car).


Since New Year's is right around the corner and 2014 was hands-down one of the most fulfilling and rewarding years of my life (my BABY turning 5, a new car, Ryan, becoming a Bull, being placed in my first classroom, etc.) I have to let you all know just one thing- the highs are only so high!
I've learned in 12 months that the lows will always be around no matter how high your highs are and I've also learned that with every good comes bad. Take everything you're given with a grain of salt. Learn how to appreciate the blessing in front of you before you start asking for more. And most of all, find the good in everything and everyone- I can swear on anything that what you think is what you believe and what you believe is what will happen. This world has gone crazy.. Be the tiny bit of good that's still left in it.

MERRY and I mean seriously MERRY Christmas to you all!

My best always,
Ash!

How Coparenting Has Changed My Life

I never knew on that bright sunny day when I chose to give up my (current) life, my broken little family, and the ever so gorgeous 2 carat diamond ring on my finger, that I was about to drastically change my own life, and worse, Kayden's. I don't ask for a pity party so by no means take this as so. This is my blog. A public diary. Feel free to read, but don't feel free to judge.

I'm now the mother of a broken, devastated, brokenhearted, four year old little boy. Don't take any of that lightly. Or think that it represents the slightest amount of exaggeration. 

I speak to my child in ways no parent will ever have to speak to theirs; and he is four. 

I'm in a constant battle with myself, his dad, and Kayden's broken life, that sometimes I don't have a clue how I have it in me to keep going. 

I never realized how "mean" and "bitter" of a woman I really was until I discovered that I no longer have the power to protect my four year old BABY from this freezing cold world. I had no idea how hard I was to get along with until I was faced with a situation and an obstacle to overcome every single day. I never realized just how many people tell me to "smile" on an everyday basis, and so effortlessly at that. I never realized that by making one decision that I was responsible for every challenge my son will face, and has faced. For 422 days now. June 16th. A day I will never forget. 

I was constantly being told that a "happy mom makes for a happy baby" or that "a happy mom is better than a broken home." So, this "changed" life I live from co-parenting is the outcome of me listening to advice from people who don't have to live with the consequences. 

IF I could go back, no part of me doubts for a second that I would. As a mom you sacrifice. You neglect yourself. You make a pact to your baby the day they are laid on your chest and you never for one single second think about changing your mind. The pact stands. Even beyond the adult age. Kayden is, and always will be, "mamas BABY." I was miserable. To the point where I slept in my own bedroom, couldn't look at my "significant other," couldn't even bare the sound of his name. But now...... Kayden is the one miserable. SO again, I tell you, YES, I would go back. I would've gladly stayed miserable for the sake of my sons well-being. 

BUT, and a big BUT, there's Ry. He is every dream come true. Every prayer answered. He's what true love represents. And more than anything he is, and always will be, as long as I'm alive and breathing, the best part of me. So no, I don't know that I would go back anymore. I used to know and be so confident that the life Ryan and I could provide for Kayden would surpass anything I could ever offer Kayden where I was previously. But everyday as I face the newest "battle" and "argument" I can't stand firm on that assumption. What I can do though is thank God for a man, who's man enough, to stand beside me, and endure this pain and bumpy road with me. 

I stand confident on my upbringing and the morals, values, and reasons my parents have instilled in me. I'm as every bit of stubborn like my daddy as I am smart and fearless like my mama. I know that what is "right" and "normal" reflects through my actions and my parenting and I can only pray that my child is able to pick up on those traits. 

Children who come from broken homes also have a broken heart. So remember that. While I'm not innocent in any way, nor am I a saint, or even God's greatest gift to earth but I'll tell you this much, I make one hell of a mom. And while I can't protect my baby from this ugly place all of the time, you can bet your butt I'll die trying.

If you have a baby and they are on a schedule- YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LUCKY YOU ARE.

If you have a baby and they aren't constantly thrown around form person to person, place to place, every single day- YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LUCKY YOU ARE.

If you get to parent your child exactly the way you want to and never have to miss a beat of the most precious years of their life- YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LUCKY YOU ARE.

I encourage you to get counseling if your relationship is having issues or problems. Every relationship goes through them. And if you can, try your hardest to never fall out of love with the person who's child you carried. A lifetime full of arguments and watching your child's innocence slowly be taken away isn't worth anything on God's green Earth.

I'm a mom. I shouldn't be limited to my child, his best interest, and most of all, his care. But I am. And while I chose this life, I can promise you on anything I never knew I was choosing THIS. 

Every night when you go to bed say a prayer. Not for me. But for Kayden. Pray my child doesn't have to be the victim anymore of two people who hate each other with a burning passion. Pray my child gets to make choices, and at best- keep his innocence. Pray that as time passes things get easier for Kayden. And pray to God that I find it in me to see the good in every situation. 

If you've met my child even once you know he doesn't deserve the slightest bit of this hurt. Heck, no kid does. 

No four year old physically or mentally has the stimulation or the function to process all that comes from separation and the brokenness it creates. I know that there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Just as sure as I am that you cannot buy a child's love. It is my only wish that Kayden will one day know that everything I did was what I thought to be best for him. All my decisions and actions, even the horrible ones, were for his wellbeing. I hope that I figure this co-parenting out one day. I hope I figure out how to forgive people, even the ones who don't deserve it. I don't want to hold grudges and constantly have my days ruined. I don't want to fear anyone or worry about what's coming next. When I tell you "co-parenting has changed my life" what I really mean is ruined my life. I don't want this anymore. I don't want to know my four year old stresses and has to think like a 35 year old grown adult. I want my child to be a child, and not one thing more. 

As I learn about the death of Robin Williams, and the illnesses he suffered from, I really got to thinking. I've got the perfect guy (nothing he does or ever will do can change my thinking), a darling, charming, brilliant, and adorable little angel boy, my own place, three jobs, thick and easy to style hair, the title of a USF Bull, a brand new car, and the most loving family, alive. While it seems I have it "ALL," let me be the first to tell you that all that glitters isn't gold. Robin Williams is responsible for some of the best contributions to my childhood, endless laughs to millions, and more money than most..... he didn't have it "all" either. My point in all of this is every single day people fight battles we all know nothing about. Don't be deceived by what pictures can show, people can say, and smiles can hide. Everyone is broken in some way. Be careful to pass by judgements when you can be forwarding something as simple as your smile. You don't realize just how bad words can hurt people. IF you're miserable, don't make the rest of the world suffer with you. Find the good in your struggles, and embrace them. 

I would like to trust that God will lighten my load eventually. And if he doesn't I pray he at least strengthens my shoulders. 

Oh & provides me with a lifetime supply of tissues.

As a mama, you love your child beyond any reasonable measurements and I'm thankful that can never be taken away from me. 

Goodbye diary, hello feeling of refreshment! :)

XXXXXXXX Ash!

Pure bliss, simplicity, and happiness!

I find these blogs harder and harder to post because I no longer have to fake this life or happiness. I'm no longer sad and miserable. I have to actually find things to write about rather than have so much on my mind it flows through my fingers.
This is a good thing though. And I'll take this kind of a feeling over that one any day. 
Never, ever, and I mean EVER, settle.
It rhymes, it makes sense, just don't ever forget it.

You are not stuck. You are not a tree. You are not a building. You are a human. You deserve the exact life you've always dreamed of having. One little problem arises though when you chose to settle and well, stay. 
You may think your life will be over without that person, you have so much time and money and heart invested into that person, you only know that person and that life he has provided for you, how could you possibly give that up or even imagine your life with someone else?
Let me break it down to you like this. And the most simplest way I can. Ask yourself this: Are you happy? Do you love this person? Are you in love with this person? Does this person treat you right? And I ask you again, ARE YOU HAPPY?
Answer "no" to any of those and your answer is "yes" you're settling. 
This life is too pretty, too great, and too privileged to not enjoy it completely. 
You should still feel butterflies from your significant other, you should be so genuine that you smile at strangers, you should appreciate life's simplicity even on the hardest of days, you should know God from thanking him not because you're constantly begging Him for a change. You should be happy. It's just as simple as that. 
Before I found strength to get up and go I used to wonder all of the time if this was all there was to life. I used to wonder if this was as good as it gets. 
I am so THANKFUL to know firsthand what life is really about instead of being stuck, like a tree, settling for just okay and wondering.
Life is a gift. Growing old is a privilege denied to many. There's so many blessings in just being alive itself that you should never ever ever and I mean EVER settle for just any man. 
You need a prince charming. You need to know that fairytales aren't make-believe. You need to know what it's like to love, whole heartedly and be loved in return. You need to love life. And most importantly you need to be happy. Or as expected y'all, you need a Ryan!

Don't give up. And don't be impatient. It's a proven fact that the very thing you're looking for comes the second you stop looking.
Faith and TRUST is all it takes. 

Yours truly,  Ash xxxx

Let me tell you about a soulmate. Your soulmate is not someone who buys you flowers, brings you chocolate, or lays under the stars with you. Your soulmate is someone who makes you question everything you've ever known, someone who changes your plans, and makes you promises. Not just any promises though. Or promises on temporary feelings. Someone who promises you the world and takes every action to prove his promises are true. Someone who makes you laugh out loud and even silently. Someone who wrecks your plans and opens your eyes. Someone who can be silent when words aren't needed and speak when they are. Not someone who tells you what you wanna hear or someone who knows exactly what to say. Your soulmate is someone that can exchange 1,000 words between your eyes without even opening his mouth. Your soulmate is someone who not only knows what to say to make it better but someone who only speaks the truth. Your soulmate is not someone who spoils you or gives you every single thing you want. Your soulmate is someone who teaches you how to work hard and be humble so you can do those things for yourself, with your own money, that you earned. Your soulmate isn't someone who has all the answers. Your soulmate tries to understand the questions with you and helps you discover the answer. Your soulmate makes you better not content. Your soulmate knows what you're feeling just by looking at you. Your soulmate listens without the intent of answering. Just sincere listening. Your soulmate makes your problems theirs. Cries when you cry. Laughs when you laugh. In fact, your laugh alone should make your soulmate fall in love with you even more. Your soulmate isn't based on looks, style, or class. Your soulmate isn't perfect. Your soulmate has flaws. He makes mistakes. But your soulmate is worthy of forgiveness. Your soulmate will never intentionally hurt you or put you second. But he's also human. Things happen. Your soulmate is someone who makes you understand these things. He teaches you how to compromise. He teaches you so much about compassion you'll wonder if you were ever even in love before like you thought you were. Your soulmate isn't someone who gracefully comes into your life at the perfect time. Your soulmate comes wrecking in. Rearranging your world and changing your plans. Your soulmate turns you into a better you just by choosing to stand beside you. You see, more than anything, your soulmate isn't someone who can give you a temporary high. Your soulmate is your lifelong partner. He's your best friend first and your lover second. He's the never ending band around your left finger. He's your favorite song, place, and memory. He's the one who consumes your soul. He's your strength, your security, and your happiness. He's the other half of your heart and the only one with enough power to bring you closer to God. If you get flowers, chocolate, a starlight date, or even better a good looking man too, then you're lucky. But those are just bonuses. None of those things matter in 10, 20, 30 years from now. What matters is that as you age the love of your soulmate doesn't. Your soulmate? I don't know where he is. But mine? His name is Ryan. And he was just described as everything I said your soulmate was. Why? Because I know this is a once in a lifetime love and I know everyone deserves to have someone exactly like him. I just hope you're all lucky enough to have a man as beautiful on the outside as on the inside like me. He's more than I could dream of. Find THAT and stop worrying about a Friday night date. 

"Who I am with you is who I really want to be, you're so good for me"

Blogging has been my escape for many different reasons and from many different things. I find it harder to come up with blog posts now that my life has changed so drastically. I'm not the same heartbroken, bitter, confused girl. I'm actually happy. I find it easier to complain, rant and rave, and express my sorrows than I do boasting my happiness and praising my accomplishments. But why though? I have no clue. It's kind of like my outlook on everything though. When things are going good I find ways to make them bad. Who would do such a thing? I absolutely hate to be that way and I hate that characteristic found in my personality. It comes from the constant need to be reassured. I need to be told the same thing over and over even when I don't have a reasonable doubt to feel the way I do. Example: I need to be told what Ryan's feelings are towards me. All of the time. And for no apparent reason. I just can't help it. Do I like it? No. Hell no. But I NEED it. It comes from the same need that I have to seek constant approval from everyone. Even my enemies. I always wanna be better than everyone. Always wanna have the upper hand, the nicer accessories, the better life. I'm selfish and I'm even a little ungrateful at times. I guess having a baby at age 18 and disappointing my parents since the day I became legally old enough to make adult decisions could be the reason why. I vividly remember my dad constantly praising me to all of his friends/coworkers/strangers. I was his daughter and I was an "angel." I wrecked my dads world that day. And I can confidentially say so. Since February of 2009, when I found out that I was bearing a child I've done nothing but beg for approval from my dad. I didn't ride a dirtbike so the easiest way to bond with him was out of the question. I've tried numerous times to show him I was gonna make my life better, stay on the right track, and not be the lost duckling anymore. All I wanted was to get my "ducks in a row." Well guess what... I'm still floating in all of the wrong directions and I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never get it right. It's hard to seek approval and constantly do right when you're 23 and live at home. Shoot, I don't like ducks anyways. And besides, they're mean. 

But then I met Ryan. I got a Facebook message from a god sent angel. Yes, Ryan was sent to me. Straight from God. It took desperation, complete emptiness, and the unknown certainty of my faith to find him. But I've got him. And I've got him for good. He makes me want to be better. I no longer want to live at home. I actually want to get a job and move out so that the two of us can have our own place. I want to be independent. I want to seek my degree, hold a job, be a girlfriend, but most of all the best mom I possibly can be. Maybe my dad is so hard on me because he wants what's best for me. Maybe my mom and I argue every single day because she doesn't want me at home because it doesn't teach me a valid lesson on life. I'm 23. For gods sake I am a quarter of the way through my life and I live under my parents roof and on their checkbook. It's hard to make your parents proud when you don't support yourself or your child. It's hard to make your parents proud when you're 23 and just now earned your associates degree. But you know what? Who cares. I got the degree, I'm working on the job, and my plan is to be out and on my own by August. If I can maintain two relationships, a job, and an education, surely that should make them proud. God willing, I pray so anyways. I know they say you should do things for yourself but when so much of who you are comes from your parents, when you owe your parents so much of your life, making them happy and proud is not only a priority but a necessity. In my eyes anyways. What happens though when the person you chose to stand beside you while you grow and make all of these responsible decisions might not be the person your parents want for you? Is any dad ever going to "like" another man who enters their daughters life though? I know that life comes with no instructions and I also know that two people can see the same thing/people and have two different opinions on it/them. So here is my public opinion on that situation: I love Ryan. I love the man he is. I love the man he was. I love the man he is when he is mad. And I love the man he is when he is happy, the most. Love also doesn't come with instructions. You literally pick another human and decide that you want to spend the rest of your life with that person. I'm not saying that my parents don't like Ryan. I'm not sure if they ever will or if they already do but I am sure of this: I choose Ryan today, tomorrow, and every single day after that. I choose Ryan to be my "person." I choose him to be Kaydens male figure and step-dad to be. It does not matter who approves of this, who has something to say of this, or who tries to stop this. I have literally spent the last 5 years of my life begging for approval and I just don't want to anymore. When you love your decisions you don't need other people to approve of them. Absolute fact. I'll never stop choosing Ryan. I'll never stop trying. I'll never stop being the girl he fell in love with because I never wanna experience a single day not feeling the way that I do now. Because of him. I feel like a princess. I never wanna feel any other way than I do as his girlfriend. Who he is to me, to Kayden, and everyone he knows is more than I could ever ask for. Whether people see him the same way or not is irrelevant. I've always been the type to put my family first. The way it should be in my eyes. But now that I have found my soulmate it's different. I will always put Kayden first. I will always make decisions that best benefit him but for the first time in my life I understand the true importance of putting God first, my relationship second, my child third, and myself last. (Okay secretly two and three are tied. Shhhh!) Before you freak let me explain my logic on this. God comes first. That's a given. The way it should be in every single situation that needs no explanation. Relationship second for two obvious reasons. As adults we have the option to literally "choose" who we want to spend the rest of our lives with. This person will hold your hand for your lifetime, this person will be present in all of your greatest accomplishments and even your downfalls, this person is your right hand, your teammate, this person is your biggest support, and your toughest teacher. This person is who you choose to love and who you choose to trust your life with, literally. You're at your best when you have the right person alongside you. Cheering you on, lifting you up, and just making you better. Just because you become a parent doesn't mean you are no longer a companion to someone else. In most situations (the right ones) you loved your significant other first. You loved them before you conceived with them. You should never put that relationship second. But in my case it's different. It's way different. It's hard and it's difficult but it's more than I could ask for. I loved Kayden before Ryan. I was Kayden's mom before I was Ryan's girlfriend but I now understand this (my second reason for putting my relationship first): I am the best me I can be when I am with Ryan. That is how I know he is "the one." I'm a better mom because of him. I want to be better and I want to be the best because that is the effect he has on me. My relationship with Ryan has a direct effect on my relationship, parenting skills, and guidance for my child. Making sure that my relationship continues to do these things means that I am also working on my relationship with Kayden. And this is exactly how the two are tied. I have no doubt in my mind that Ryan and I will be married, with our own family, centered around my perfect Kayden. I have no doubt in my mind that Ryan and I can overcome any and every single obstacle thrown our way. I look at our track record for making it through these bumps and I remember we're at 100%. I'm confident in my relationship. And it's so refreshing to feel that way. I don't need approval. I don't even need support. Anyone that loves me (even outside of my family) can see how happy Ryan makes me, and if they truly love me they will accept, support, and approve of my relationship solely on that fact. I believe a strong relationship develops from hardships. I also believe that love has no sense of time. You don't have to know someone for years to know the kind of person they are. Through gestures, mannerisms, and actions you can tell. I knew the man Ryan was 3 years ago just by first glance. And it fills my heart with pure joy to know that I was right about every assumption I made of the person he is. I'm a firm believe in fairy tales, 11:11, ladybugs, and penny's that are head side up. Which is why I get to love and know a real life Prince Charming. People will always talk. They always wanna see you doing worse than they are. That's the sad truth about the world. But I should have you all know that Ryan, Kayden, and I make a pretty tough team. You don't have a prayers chance at taking us down. 

Be thankful for your struggles and heartaches because the reward that comes from being patient and waiting for the right man surpasses anything you could ever dream of. 

All of my best always,

Ash

I'm not gonna act like I have some kind of well organized theme for this blog. You'll see so soon that I clearly don't. So much has been happening and I must share. 

Did you know shooting stars are real? Did you know that after a few doubts, a ton of negative thoughts, and slight desperation I begged God to send me a sign that everything was okay- and yes, that Ryan was meant for me. Did you know Monday night Ry and I were holding hands and we look up in the sky and both see a shooting star and look at each other and say "did you see that?" (Okay well mine was more of a "OKAY DID YOU JUST SEE THAT? I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW SHOOTING STARS WERE REAL"). Faith? Luck? Or God? Call it whatever you want but you can bet your bottom dollar I will never doubt us again. 

Speaking of dollar... Is it true $2 bills are good luck? About a month ago I received 5 $2 bills from my brother-in-law and 2 hours later Ryan asked me to be his girlfriend "officially." Guess what's still in my wallet? 

You know how you know if you really love someone? When you fall in love with them as a whole. Like how can I love someone in such a short time especially when I am still learning new things about him? Easy, there's not a single thing that could make me love him more. You accept everything you learn and every new thing you discover, good or bad. It's who they are and they are who you love. 

I've got nothing but good feedback and sweet words from almost every single person (especially those who have met him) about my new relationship... But then there's the select few. Those select few who have tested me, made me doubt my relationship, and shaken my new found faith. 

Here's what I have concluded. If your honest opinion of my relationship is that I am a rebound, he is desperate because I have a baby, and I'm obsessed well you're wrong about all 3. "When you love your decisions you don't need others to approve of them" okay, right. And also, you don't know what I feel on an everyday basis, you don't know how lucky I feel, and you most certainly don't know the first thing about a "girl with a baby." (I prefer woman with a child btw) :)

Unfortunately that's not all I have to say about that... Let me explain something. Well three things. A rebound is generally someone that you use, correct? You don't invest time, money, commitment, and feelings into someone that you are using for your personal sake. You're not concerned about someone's well being, building relationships, (with family members and children) bringing your "rebound" around your family.. And the list continues. And by god let me tell you something.. If this is what being Ryan's "rebound" is like I can't imagine what being his girlfriend is like. Oh wait, I am. :)

This whole "he must be desperate to be with a girl with a baby" thought is accurate, especially for someone on the outside looking in. But accuracy can easily be conflicted with facts. A child is Gods greatest gift to earth blah blah the whole 9 yards..... But really though, a child is a gift. Ryan is a "winner" because not only does he get a "girl" who can love beyond measurable doubt, feel compassion beyond the imaginable mind, and someone who is so unselfishly giving but he also gets a little boy raised by a woman who carries those traits. Continue......? 

Obsessed. Me obsessed with Ryan? Maybe. Possibly. I can see that assumption. But be careful before you go accusing. You still make an ass out of yourself either way. Don't confuse commitment with obsession. I'm committed to staying true to my feelings and never settling for a feather shy of what I deserve. I am obsessed with this life I live. I am obsessed with the way Ryan makes me feel and the world I Iive in. I'm obsessed with his effort at being a good boyfriend and "male figure" to my little boy. Don't get me wrong, I'm obsessed with his looks too. But believe me when I tell you they are just a bonus. How he is with me trumps what he looks like to me. If you're gonna say I'm obsessed with my boyfriend, make sure you know just how so. Oh, I'm obsessed with myself and my Kayman too. Don't sell me short ;)

Did I have to "explain" myself or my reasons....... No. But I so desperately wanted to. Why take it out on my boyfriend and doubt who we are because of the crappy people you (some of you) are? Continue to talk, I kind of admire how much you pay attention to me :) 

It doesn't matter how broken you are. How horrible your past is. How in love you think you are. How you know for a fact you found your soulmate. I'm completely, utterly, undeniably CONFIDENT that you will meet at least someone once in your life that will come in and make you question everything you swore you knew. Someone that can make you think twice and even allow you to admit you're wrong. Wait for it. Every single person deserves this kind of man, these kinds of feelings, and answered prayers from the good Lord. But first you must have patience. You must understand that time takes time and while you so frustratingly figure this out learn how to love yourself in the process. Don't ever expect a man to love you when you can't even love yourself. 

I don't mean looks. Could I be skinnier? Yes. HELL yes. And I'm working on that. Love your soul. Love your broken heart so the pieces are lovable for someone else. People suck sometimes. They take advantage of the undeserving. They assume that person will always be there so they do whatever they want to that person. While I can't stand dealing with a heart I didn't break I can't help but love every broken piece of his heart. I can't help but want to be better and love him more than he knew possible. Find that person who can be that for you and just maybe you'll find yourself being that person for them. Anyone can love anyone. There's all kinds of love. But never the same love twice. Which is why I whole heartedly believe that you can be moved on from someone but still love them. Even when you love someone else. Different kinds of love... Explained perfectly. 

My blogs would be so much more personal if I didn't constantly use Ryan's name but I just can't do that. He is the reason I am the person I am. He is to thank for the Ashley I've always wanted to be. 

Wait for your Ryan y'all. Just trust me <3

RKB<3

I don’t ever wanna be mistaken as one of those so-called Christians that prays only in time of need. So much, that I don’t even wanna be one of those bloggers that pours all the sadness out of her heart and never shares any good. I don’t know if ‘’good things happen to those who wait” or “everything happens for a reason” BUT I do know one thing- I have never in my life been happier than I am right this very second.

 

It’s Monday, it’s pouring, I got hardly any sleep, I’m even cramping…. Where old Ashley would be complaining until tomorrow morning, this Ashley is smiling ear to ear.

 

I can’t even offer advice to anyone anymore, I can’t remember what the struggle felt like, and I can’t remember what it feels like to miss someone so much it physically hurts. I am genuinely, so blissfully happy, I can’t blink my eyes without being scared to miss a second of this perfect life. I can’t even remember what a broken heart feels like being I found someone who makes it all fade away.

 

I don’t want to be labeled as “one of those girls” who meets a guy, falls in love, swears she’s getting married, and even knows “he’s the one” after two months BUTTTTTTTTTTTT I am so certain God sent me an angel. My path crossed Ryan’s for a reason. Every second spent with him I’m convinced will  be the best days of my life.

 

Enough of me. I can offer new advice, and that makes me just as happy.

 

Don’t worry about finding the right person, be the right person. Talk to as many guys as you physically can keep up with. NOTICE I said talk, not sleep with. Let 5 guys fill your head with compliments, your phone with good morning texts, and your social networks some attention. You don’t have to act on it, fun-innocent-harmless flirting. WATCH what it does to your ego, confidence, and self-esteem. The absolute second you start loving yourself watch the woman you become. That was all it took. While my broken heart did everything it could to break me completely I was busy working on me. A heart break can shape you into a new person so long as you’re willing to let it. The healing part hurts.. The moving on part sucks.. The letting go part is MISERABLE, but the reward……. Priceless. T R U S T M E. Embrace your struggle. I’d go through it all, all over again. Even 13 more times if I knew I would end up in Ry’s arms. Is it crazy that after 2 months of talking to him and not even a month of being official that I already feel this way? Probably, actually most definitely. But lemme tell ya something else- no great thing ever came from a comfort zone and when ya know…. My god YOU KNOW <3

 

If the only purpose Ryan has in my life is to get me over my ex.. I am more than thankful in that alone. But to experience what it’s like to be treated right, to be cared about, to know that you’re the first thing someone thinks of and the last thing too, to know that your best interest comes before theirs, to be with someone who so badly wants to be with you too, to be put second and your child first, to know a man that has goals and ambitions, to be around a boy who wants to be around your family…… THAT is more than I could ever ask for.

To live a life where I can breathe in air a different way, see good in every situation, person, thing, to know God more and thank God daily, to love life every single second……… that’s called bliss, blessed, and pure happiness.

 

You’ll know when you’re in the arms of the man you’re supposed to be in…. when he can bring you closer to God without even trying.

 

See how that works? God shapes you into the person you’re meant to be.. rewards you with a man you’re meant to love, all so that you get closer to him and understand what a beautiful gift life really is.

 

Compare my post from today and pasts. And know that you too can one day change. Yes, even that much.