I cannot keep up with time.. I don't know what it is but death is easily the hardest thing in this world to even possibly begin to understand. I'll never know why it is a part of life that we must all go through. I know the Bible says why and I know there are answers. But, no matter what I am told, there's no reasons or answers that could ever justify what it feels like to loose someone who meant the world to you and to watch every person in your family just hurt and ache. It is unbearable. I wish more than anything that I could take the pain away. I wish I could bring her back and hold her hand. To comfort her and kiss her. To listen to her stories and say prayers. I wish I could be half the woman that she was, just half. Why cant the impossible be possible sometimes? Since Wednesday, actually April 28th, I have watched my sweet aunt Donna suffer. From lung cancer to COPD to adrenal failure, her little tiny body just started shutting down. May 31st is a day that I will never in my life be able to forget. I lost my aunt Donna to Him at 7:30 this morning. With all of us by her side for almost 36 hours she finally stopped fighting and gave up. Honestly, she was such a miracle to be around as long as she was. Every single holiday we would get treat bags that were literally filled with candy, on birthdays it was either a Walmart gift certificate or a bag full of dollar store JUNK from socks to seeds for the yard. That woman was surely heaven sent and anyone that knew her would easily agree. Instead of work, she volunteered. Instead of receiving, she gave. Boy, did she give. Any present that was given to her she would return and donate the money to charity. She belonged to a church and devoted her life to it and Jesus Christ. The world needs more people like my aunt Donna which is why I don't understand the reasoning for her to leave this Earth. The saying that says "only the good die young," is simply the truth. 71 was too early for her to leave behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, and all of us. She was the wittiest, sweetest, kindest, most genuine thing to ever walk this earth. Yesterday, while we were laying around her bed and sharing stories and laughs, Jen came across a letter she had typed to her daddy that she never got to know. In the letter she said something to the extent of: "If I had a daddy this is what I would say to him: Dear Daddy, I don't feel very good and I think I am ready to see you." We don't know when it was typed as there is no date which bothers me. I knew she was in pain and I knew that she was suffering but I never knew how bad or serious. I just don't understand any of this. The nurses blindsided all of us. They told us one thing and someone else told us another. I knew she was going to leave us but I had no idea it would be this soon. She was pushed around from hospital to nursing home for over a month. She waited to be home comfortably in her bed and all of her children to be beside her before she finally gave up her battle. She was a little warrior and she sure as heck was stronger than her little body made her seem. Her voice is probably what I will miss most. Everything she said gently lingered off her tongue and not a foul word exited, ever. One thing aunt Donna mentioned in the letter she typed was how she longed to feel what it was like to run and jump into a daddy's arms. Her hugs weren't big nor tight but they were just enough to let you know that not another soul in the world could love you the way that she could. One simple hug could from her could give you a comforting feeling like nothing else in the world. She was an angel on Earth and now she is soaring in the sky with our Michael. She's finally with her daddy and mommy and everyone else we have lost. She's finally able to release the carbon dioxide out of her body and breathe without a struggle. She's finally free and at peace, but we, we are not even close to that. Thank God she taught us all so many different things because in that alone I know her legacy will forever live on. I LOVE YOU AUNT DONNA and I pray to GOD you are finally resting in peace.

 

Ya I'm weird.

I'm obsessed with dark hair, Justin Timberlake, dolphins, anything purple, tattoos, anchors, dachshunds, OPI, the sound of the beach specifically at night, sushi, Henri Bendil, fishing, MAC, long hair, smiling, sleeping, Jessica Simpson, curls, board games, long walks, airplanes, shopping, Paris, Maxi dresses, reading, ball caps, & the list never ends. No, really I could keep going. 

If you haven't seen Dolphin Tale... You are freakin' crazy. Go see it. Like now. 

Mommy talk!

The best things in life really do come free. Nothing in this entire world gives me the feeling that my three year old son can. No amount of money or materials could ever even compare.

 

I dropped him off at daycare this morning at 8:50 which is 40 minutes earlier than normal and didn't pick him up until 5:40 which is 2 hours and 40 minutes later than usual. When I say I feel like the worst mom in the entire world, its an understatement. All day long I pondered thoughts like "I bet he is extra tired today," or "I hope his schedule isn't thrown off since he doesn't go straight outside when he got there." For no apparent reason did I do this today too. How ridiculous am I? I think I have my child way too spoiled or sheltered. Can't really decide. Or maybe it is because that is the only consistency and somewhat of a schedule that my baby has, ever. Well, besides The Clubhouse every Monday night with my family.

 

I struggle so hard with the life I live and the life I want to live. I think a good mom is someone who is organized, detailed, on time, and on top of things. Do you have any earthly idea how hard that is to do? Well, I do and I wish it weren't. All I want is to be that cute mom that is done up everywhere she goes, with dinner ready on the stove, and a planner that is detailed to the core. Instead, I am the opposite. Yoga pants and the "Pink" collection consume my entire wardrobe, frozen pizzas are sufficient, and I have four planners posted all over my house that all have something different written on them. My mind is like grand central station, 24/7.

 

I absolutely love to blog simply because I can sit here and go on and on and not feel guilty about it. Life is way too short to be worried all the time. So I express it all here. Being a mom really is the best thing (feeling, opportunity, privilege, gift, blessing) in the whole entire world. And that much won't ever change! Count your blessings y'all, God is so good!

   

Why?

Why do people go looking for things that they know will hurt them? Why is it so hard to decide what someone wants in their life? Why do people purposely offend others? What happened to this world?

I have always had this mother instinct in me that really is unexplainable. I feel like my 14 year old brother is my son. I am 22 for the love of God, I'm not that old. I have such a passion for helping people it really doesn't make sense to me (most of the time). I can't fix everyone's problems but for some reason I think I can. All the while, I'm ignoring my own. I just don't understand how one person can take on such a load and not be crushed. I don't get it. Why can't I fix everyone's problems? Why are there no answers but everyone spends all of their life searching for them? Why am I questioning everything right now? In a discussion post this woman said if you believe in heaven and God you lose nothing, if you don't believe in heaven and God, and the two are real, you lose everything. How true is that?! I am watching a family that I love dearly suffer so bad and in such a hardship that I am truly questioning Gods work. I don't know if that is something I should admit publically but it's happening, right now. I want to make it all better for them, I want to comfort them, I want to promise them that everything is going to be okay, but I don't know if that's the case. I know there is always someone out there who has it worse but that does not in any way, make this justifiable. I guess when you're in doubt and have no idea what to do you get on your knees and pray. Pray to God. For hope, help, and strength. The power of prayer works, this much I do know. 


I forgot how amazing it is to reconcile with friends. Those 30 minute phone calls about absolutely nothing might just be my absolute favorite thing in the entire world.

Yesterday marked two years or 740 days without my beautiful, sassy, true lovin gran. I hate you cancer.

I know God works in mysterious ways but this girl needs to know why. Pronto.


X, Ashley!

Picture OVERLOAD!

If you haven't taken philosophy yet, you're hands down the luckiest soul in the universe. I hate this class. I don't care what Socrates thinks, thought, theorizes, or believes. Someone save me, PLEASE!

Anyways, I turned the BIG (yes, BIG) 22 last Tuesday. I had such a fun-filled day, week, and weekend. I wanted so badly to go to Olive Garden because their salad is just to die for but nobody else thought that way. We ended up going to Smokey Bones, and by we I mean 18 of us. I just adore my family, they're perfect!

My favorite place in the entire world!

Best apps ever!

Drinks were on my amazing waiter!

My baby made it on blue for his mommas birthday!



My dad thought it would be funny to give me my registration as a way to show that he buys things for me everyday!

roses and the cutest card from sweet boy

X's instead of K's

Rylie NICOLE :)

Long Island Iced Tea.... my favorite!

My two favorite people!

Karson RAY :)

sweet babies!

cousins!

Aunt and Uncle

Gran- AKA my rock!

Cheryl Dene

Daddy

I touched the nasty "thing"

Such a great uncle

Rikkardd.. love this boy!

E-dub... he hates me! HAHA

babydaddy!!!



my sweet momma!

Since I truly have the best family in the entire world, my birthday was so special and my weekend was just amazing. Every year, traditionally all the girls in the family go to the beach for Mother's Day weekend. Just girls, no guys, no children, no distractions. We get there Friday morning and don't come home until Sunday night. All of the families and spouses and friends come out to the beach on Sunday morning and spend Mother's Day with us moms. It is seriously just awesome. My family is the cutest bunch of gals I know. We all decorate our room with a theme that must have an alcoholic beverage to go along with it. With 6 rooms rented and the suite, it was literally impossible to take a picture of every room, especially when the alcohol started being served. My rooms theme was "The Funny Farm." We all dressed up, decorated, and totally just enjoyed ourselves.

my view!

"The Funny Farm"

 

The "G.R.I.T.S" Room

 

 

 

How adorable are we, right?!

 

 

 

Well there ya go folks, that week is going down in the books. FOR SURE!

 

 

 

XXXXXXX and OOOOOO

Ash!

Off my rocker

Alright this is nonsense. It has been almost two weeks without a blog, not okay in my book. I have totally been off my blogging rocker to say the least. Tomorrow I will have my Mother's Day weekend, my birthday dinner, and even my finished project all unfolded in one blog. I have been brainstorming it for over a week now! Not to mention, my weekend was amazing and I just have to share.

I hope I haven't missed too much! Oh and I am coming to y'all live from my new Lenovo Windows 8 computer. ;-) I just love being spoiled!



Xx, Ashley!

I don't know about you...

Is it bad that I don't want it to be my birthday in 20 minutes? I literally feel old. I am the farthest thing from being excited about turning 22, that means I am almost 25 which is disgustingly too close to 30. I know I should be thankful to see another day and live to make it to my next birthday, but there is just something about 22 I don't like. It is sad to me that it is almost a blessing to wake up every morning instead of a way of life. This world scares me and I truly believe it desperately needs help. I can get so sidetracked sometimes it's quite scary. OK, anyways....

I am almost done with Kayden's room. That was my weekend project that has rolled over into the week. Nautical theme is just too cute and my crazy obsession for anchors is put on display in my little boys room. He even got new wood floors that Dylan is installing! What a lucky boy right?! I promise I will post pictures when finished.

Since every decoration was bought from Hobby Lobby I thought I would go back and find that one last finishing touch it needs. Yes, I am such a mom... spending my birthday shopping for my boy. I get to have a fun filled day full of shopping though. I am not complaining at all. Hobby Lobby, Michael's, Sally's, Home Depot, possibly the mall, and ABC liquor (BEACH WEEKEND IN THREE DAYS!!!!!). I hate Lakeland with a passion but it is close to home and they have a T.G.I.F. and that's where this Birthday girl wants to eat lunch. Thank God for my aunt, for real though.

I am so tired of painting, sweeping, dusting, organizing, rearranging, and decorating, is that bad? But on a good note... I read a review on Lysol's multipurpose cleaner and their Lavender scent is truly to die for. My house smells completely amazing and that makes this momma happy, happy, happy. Oh, how I miss Si. See there I go, WAY off track.

Anyways, those are my random thoughts unraveled in a birthday post.

Oh, and I lied, a little. I'm excited that Taylor Swift gave me a theme song to blare all day tomorrow.... I don't know about you... But I'm feeling 22 :) Maybe I am excited for tomorrow.. HA!

XOXOXXOXOXO
- Ash!

Picture This!

Literally, picture this. I have been thinking about this post for days and finally have time to do it. As a new blogger, it is no secret that I really don't know quite what I'm doing, yet. I am attempting my first all picture blog, don't judge.Not only am I a closet reader (not anymore) I also am a closet blog reader. Yes I made that up! Blogs keep me sane, instruct my life, and give me a better insight then anything else in the world can. I have always read blogs, and just recently decided I would start blogging as well. With no social media, I needed SOMETHING to interact with, and I'm honestly obsessed. Blah, blah, blah! OK, on to the good stuff.

So, Thursday was probably my favorite day ever (Yes, I have contemplated this blog post for 3 days). Anyways, I rocked my Jessica Simpson maxi dress and my messy rained on hair! I didn't have time to take pictures so I snapped a quick one in the car because it was just that cute it was necessary. I had to look stunning when I lost my International mall virginity.

I don't know how in the world I have lived in Florida for 20 years and never been to the International Mall. I went- I died- I came back to life- and I must go back. I got LOST in Tory Burch, Brighton, Love Culture, & fell to my knees in Henri Bendel. Westshore Mall has always been my favorite, until now.

I loved it so much that I even took a picture of the brochure, oh and a silhouette of my new Canon camera!

After my fun adventure at the mall in between my stitches being removed and meeting with my nursing adviser, I headed home and waited until it was time to pick up my angel. My dad has surprised my mom with flowers, just because. My heart melted, literally.

My daddy is the best man in this entire world!

I picked Kayden up from school, and then we hit the Brandon mall with daddy. We all got a matching pair of chucks for our next photo shoot. I truly am one lucky gal! I ended this fabulous day with dinner at Sluggers with my sweet family. 

All black chucks!

My child is nuts, hence the scratch across his eye!

sissy and Kyle

All three of my boys!

$5 burgers and my family? Doesn't get better!

And then my sweet (little) babies hit the bed while Dyl and I watched a movie! Just perfect. 

I attempted it, and finally posted it.
XO Ash!