Comfort. One word. Big meaning. I find comfort in knowing that people literally trust me with their lives. What I mean is that they are comfortable enough to share every raw detail or their life in hopes that I will have the answers they're looking for in return. Of course I want to say yes, that I can do that for them, and I usually can. But. And I mean a big BUT, that's not always the case. Which leads me to my Rachel. Mind you this is my friend who wouldn't dare smash a fly or can't handle confrontation from an angry customer. 

On September 18, 2013, Rachel and her husband welcomed a sweet little boy named Michael Anthony. But, for only a short 100 minutes. 100 minutes Rachel got to breathe in the same air as her little boy and watch the life she created live. As a parent, I couldn't tell you what I would do. The second your bundle of joy lays on your chest the entire world stops spinning and the whole room goes white and the sound is mute. In those 5 seconds you feel the life you made welcome itself in this big ol world. Nothing in the world matters. The world stands still except for your crying baby. But then there's Michael. Barely any lungs and no shot at life or a chance at survival. How do you grasp those words without wanting to shatter into 400 pieces? You can't. I'm never thankful for someone dying but I am thankful to know Michael's parents and to be apart of his life as he forever lives on. I don't see things the same, I don't react to things the same, I'm not even the same. All because of an impact made by a newborn baby in only 100 minutes at that. 

How do you help a friend cope with the loss of their own child? How do you promise her worries will be gone when being a parent is the greatest gift anyone can receive? How do you give answers when you have no idea what they could possibly be? You can't. You can't at all. You trust the lords path, his timing, and his words and you hope and pray that in time the pain eases. I wish I had answers. I wish I had reasons. 

Knowing little Michael survived even for one hour and fourty minutes when that was said to be impossible brings joy to my heart. My big Michael did his job. He listened to my prayers and he let Rachel and AJ feel the love that only a child can give. 

My only hope is that it doesn't take such a tragedy to make you change your viewpoints and outlooks. Don't ever judge someone or hurt anyone. You never know what kind of battle they could be fighting. Little Michael changed everyone. People he didn't even know. 

That's a miracle in itself y'all. 

So no, I don't have all the answers and not a soul will but I know in time all wounds are healed, not sealed completely, but healing. More & more everyday. God needed little Michael more than Rachel. Maybe to play catch with my Michael. Who would ever know. 

Until we meet in heaven my Michaels... Rest so easy in so much peace <3

Believe

I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, trust me. But I also believe that with every bad situation good always follows. I could not, will not, would not, even try to understand this rollercoaster I've been on for 5 months but I will tell you one thing: every single time I get close to something I get it snatched right away from me. Like I'm being teased. By God though? How do you justify something like that? You can't. So instead, I will take the bad and trust that there is good. I'm learning to be thankful for the little bit I do get (even if it's a short amount of time) rather than nothing at all. "It's better to have loved once than not at all." I suppose? 

I don't know why things happen the way they do and I'm not gonna even try to. I do know that life has a funny way of teaching lessons, even if it means knocking you flat on your face. Fall seven times stand up eight they say. 

Trust the path even if you don't know where it leads.. Sounds easy.. Walk down a sidewalk late at night and see how uneasy you feel. Life is portrayed to be so easy when really it's the hardest thing to understand. Something as simple as a smile can make someone's whole entire 24 hour day? But something as bad as a dirty look can ruin it too? Good and bad y'all. Life is one big, hypocritical, controversial, weird thing. But it's beautiful. Anywhere you are, any time of your day, you can turn a direction and find a beautiful site. I will guarantee that. That's life. And that's beautiful. 

God sends his toughest battles to his strongest soliders... Makes sense. But damn, I'm tired of fighting. Can the war be over? 

When you find someone that makes you smile, hold on like hell. When you find someone who makes you look forward to tomorrow, fight like hell. When you find someone who has all of the answers, LOVE like hell. Don't ever let a good thing slip away being stuck on a bad. 

Lesson learned. The hard way. 

Trust, TRUST, that there is always good followed by bad. Stop trying, start doing. Time is moving even when you are standing still. Stop thinking, wondering, hoping, and pretending. Just live. It's a free gift and you can spend it however you want too. 

My broken heart has taught me so many things, it's just about time I start listening to it so it can be whole again. 

I used to believe that true love was a friendship set on fire. No. Not at all. There's a fine line between a lover and a friend. When the two cross though, the whole world could be set on fire it's so pure. Find that. I want to find that. And the best part is, I ALMOST did. After losing every thing I thought I wanted I truly know just exactly what I do forever want. And my bad broken heart taught me that very good thing. 

Pray y'all. I can't even begin to express how much it can do. Pray. Every single chance you get <3

Best,

Ash