To be beautiful in this skin

Two hardcore common solid facts you need to know: I use song quotes daily, for everything, and I am so self conscious I even doubt my writing. Aka: blogging.

But anyways.
I struggled for 6 years in a bad relationship, an on and off one at that, obvi. But, I'm out and that's all that matters. And by bad I mean lying, cheating, mentally abusive, miserably, bad. 
But anyways, again.
Now that I'm out I am supposed to be this miraculously happy go lucky peachy gal right? Wrong. Sadly, stress is the only reason I have ever been content with my weight. Because of stress I was able to weigh my lowest and be my smallest. Nothing to brag about I know but I am speaking truths here. I want to be skinny, so so so bad. But, for all the wrong reasons. I always, I mean always, want to be someone I am not. Why? The "h" "e" "double hockey sticks" if I know! I want to be like his new girlfriend or in Miranda's words "more like her." Pathetic, trust me, I am aware. I can't help it. If she has long hair I think I need to have long hair, if she weighs 105 then I want to stop eating so I can weigh 105. Ew, gross right? My awful past relationship made it into this blog for a reason and here's why: HE made me feel like I wasn't good enough. HE made me feel like I wasn't small enough. It was even HE who has said some of the most horrific words that who knew even existed, ABOUT ME! And guess to who? Those girls. Those girls I so wrongfully want to be like. And ya wonder why? Hmmm!

But guess what my friends..... I woke up. I woke up from the nightmare I lived for way too long and I decided to put on some pretty big girl panties. And I decided that if I let go of every (possible) grudge that I have (there's only one exception) I would no longer feel this way. So, what did I do? I, Ashley Morris, became the bigger person for once. I apologized when needed, I accepted apologies when given, and I forgave and forgot (not completely) so that I could have a heart that was free from hate. It was then, when I stopped hating those girls that I finally, started to feel beautiful. And to be happy. Now, I'm not saying I am okay with my weight, that's not true at all, but what I am saying is this:
Until I can get to my goal weight (the healthy way) and have that "dream body," I am perfectly, happily, thoroughly content with this gal underneath her skin. And it has been a long time comin' that I can truthfully say those words. 
It's not just the looks that matter though. If you can't lay your head down every night on the pillow and be completely satisfied with every word that came out of your mouth that day and every action that you performed than I encourage you to go on this journey with me to better yourself. I want to be such a good person that when other people talk bad about me there's no way anyone would even think about believing it. 

I can't stand when guys can make a girl feel so terrible about herself just by words that they speak. And I even more, can't stand when a guy has enough authority over a girl to veer her thoughts and make her question her own morals. I have spent the "off" time in my bad relationship somehow pushing away every good and true "thing" that has ever entered my life. I am so used to "bad" I never wanted "good." Well, not anymore. I finally realized what I deserve, who I want to be, and what I want from this life.
I'm not here to bad mouth him or make him out to be this monster. I want to show you ALL what I went through without having to share every blunt gory detail. And quite honestly it doesn't matter how much I say.... This is my blog and these are my thoughts. These are my reasons. And these are my somewhat personal not so private explanations. After all, that's just what blogging is. 
I'll never allow someone to have that much control over me and I will never allow someone to break me down to a person I don't even know. This is me and I want to be beautiful (inside and out) in this skin. And that my peeps is JUST what I am doing. No need to rush into a relationship with someone I don't even know (cough cough) when I can better myself and let the right one find me, on my time, and my standards. 
It's got to be a sad feeling to be so lonely that someone would settle for just anything. If it's not everything it just ain't happenin'
Take on this journey with me and lets be the best "you" we can possibly be!

XXXXXXXo

Tomorrow, I'm forcing myself to hit publish. Tonight, however, I just can't do it. Ahhhh, the suspense. My gah, I am the truest definition of ridic.

Y'all love me though, 'cus I love y'all. 
Get. Ready.

Happiness don't drag it's feet.

Kip Moore says it best. So that's why this is titled so. 

The dumb famous saying "YOLO" is seriously stupid. You don't only live once. You die once. Everyday we wake up we are given a chance to live, all over again. And everyday I wake up and some days are just so much easier. I can wake up feeling the same sting I did when I fell asleep and I can wake up in a mood that could make the devils feet shake. Don't ask me why because I'm not even halfway sure but I know one thing: everyday I wake up I'm given a chance to make the rest of my life the best of my life from that day on. And trust me, I try. 

I struggle everyday with what I think happiness should be or what I need to do to be happy when in reality everyone makes their own kind of happy. Some people are perfectly happy living a lie and being miserable and others are perfectly happy doing something about it. Both were me. I forced myself to be "happy" but the fake smile and the sadness in my eyes gave that away. Daily. But there's a catch. I'm not happy now, now that I did something about it. And because "happiness don't drag it's feet, and time moves faster than you think," I'm tired of trying to be happy instead of just BEING THAT! 

I have found two quotes that I adore. More than anything so I'll share. I find myself literally able to carry on because of wise words spoken by others. And other friends who always, always know just what to say. There's only a select few of you but let me tell you, you all are my rock. And every bit of my tiny strength I have. Especially that beautiful three year old of mine!

My two favorite yet, so enjoy. 

Best always,

Ash

Just too long!

Oh my GAH, tomorrow marks two MONTHS of no randomness and pointless words flowing from my fingers to this screen. What in the Sam Allen heck has gotten into me y'all? So much has changed since the last time I created a post. To share or not to share is the real question. I  might as well share since my posts will obviously be centered around one thing: my new life led by Kayden O'Dell, the way it should have always been. 
I can't tell you how to live your life nor would I ever try but I can tell you from my prospective that an unhappy, unhealthy, miserable life shouldn't be accepted. By anyone. I know they say if you threw all of your problems into a jar and saw everyone else's you would realize things aren't quite as bad as they seem, however, that doesn't settle so easy in my mind. I know someone out there is fighting for their life, taking their last breath, and suffering more than me but that doesn't mean I don't have any problems of my own. You may wonder why I am rambling or stating irrelevant facts but the true fact of the matter is this: My problems are mine, they make me suffer, and I personally think 6 years of settling is just too long.
In late June I decided regretfully, somewhat selfishly, and fearlessly to end my on-and-off relationship of 6 years. With a lot of thought, LITERAL DAY DREAMING, and nothing but pure confusion, I packed my things within hours and threw away 2,190 days worth of broken bitterness. I know way deep down at the farthest point of my heart I made the right decision but right now, all I can seem to feel is doubt, lonesome, and fear. We share a little life together. We parent the most beautiful, innocent, darling little boy mankind could know. And because of ME, his life is now filled with separation, brokenness, and utter confusion. As a parent there's ONE main duty and that is to protect your child. If you wonder why I am so torn between staying and leaving it is simply for the fact that now I can no longer protect my child from all of the hurt, emptiness, and challenges he will face now that he has to be co-parented. 
So, now I'm here. Alone, raising a three year old, working, and doubling up in school. I take on such a heavy load because if you think for one second I can stand to be left to ponder in my thoughts, you are NUTS. I thought as soon as I left him I would have this sudden urge of happiness but I don't. At all. I spend all of my BUSY days thinking about what could of been all the while knowing that if they should have been they would have. I also spend all of my days thanking the good lord for my sweet real life, loving, charming, angel. I am struggling so hard to find myself and my own happiness that the only "good" feeling I have yet to feel is pure freedom. I seek to people for advice, a good novel to escape my thoughts, and my family to be my backbone when some days I feel like I can't walk. And let me tell you it helps, more than any amount of words can express but it just never seems to be enough. I still cry myself to sleep, I still hurt, and search for things I'm better of not seeing, and at the same time I get angry because there is not another soul to blame except myself, because I am the one that left. And then, just like that, I remember HE was the reason why I left. This is his fault, and just as quick as things get bad  they suddenly become easier when the weight is taken off of me. More than happiness, I pray that I have what it takes to raise a young man that knows the difference between right and wrong. So much, that he can appreciate me for leaving one day, and may he forever be wise enough to understand why I grew to hate the "man" he calls "dad."  
THAT, is what I struggle with. Will my son hate me? Will he one day understand me? Should I go back? Is leaving really better than staying? Is this really it? All these questions leave me clueless. I rely on a three year old to provide all of these answers for me (figuratively speaking).

I can only hope that with time I can laugh instead of cry, smile instead of hurt, and love instead of hate. I pray for a heart that can love through the bad and always see the good in people. As soon as I can stop hating him, I can start loving me. So until then,  I guess here's to you Kayman, you are my only and EVERY bit of happiness I have. And quite frankly, MORE than I need and deserve.



Life is good, even though I haven't quite convinced myself to believe it, yet.