Just too long!

Oh my GAH, tomorrow marks two MONTHS of no randomness and pointless words flowing from my fingers to this screen. What in the Sam Allen heck has gotten into me y'all? So much has changed since the last time I created a post. To share or not to share is the real question. I  might as well share since my posts will obviously be centered around one thing: my new life led by Kayden O'Dell, the way it should have always been. 
I can't tell you how to live your life nor would I ever try but I can tell you from my prospective that an unhappy, unhealthy, miserable life shouldn't be accepted. By anyone. I know they say if you threw all of your problems into a jar and saw everyone else's you would realize things aren't quite as bad as they seem, however, that doesn't settle so easy in my mind. I know someone out there is fighting for their life, taking their last breath, and suffering more than me but that doesn't mean I don't have any problems of my own. You may wonder why I am rambling or stating irrelevant facts but the true fact of the matter is this: My problems are mine, they make me suffer, and I personally think 6 years of settling is just too long.
In late June I decided regretfully, somewhat selfishly, and fearlessly to end my on-and-off relationship of 6 years. With a lot of thought, LITERAL DAY DREAMING, and nothing but pure confusion, I packed my things within hours and threw away 2,190 days worth of broken bitterness. I know way deep down at the farthest point of my heart I made the right decision but right now, all I can seem to feel is doubt, lonesome, and fear. We share a little life together. We parent the most beautiful, innocent, darling little boy mankind could know. And because of ME, his life is now filled with separation, brokenness, and utter confusion. As a parent there's ONE main duty and that is to protect your child. If you wonder why I am so torn between staying and leaving it is simply for the fact that now I can no longer protect my child from all of the hurt, emptiness, and challenges he will face now that he has to be co-parented. 
So, now I'm here. Alone, raising a three year old, working, and doubling up in school. I take on such a heavy load because if you think for one second I can stand to be left to ponder in my thoughts, you are NUTS. I thought as soon as I left him I would have this sudden urge of happiness but I don't. At all. I spend all of my BUSY days thinking about what could of been all the while knowing that if they should have been they would have. I also spend all of my days thanking the good lord for my sweet real life, loving, charming, angel. I am struggling so hard to find myself and my own happiness that the only "good" feeling I have yet to feel is pure freedom. I seek to people for advice, a good novel to escape my thoughts, and my family to be my backbone when some days I feel like I can't walk. And let me tell you it helps, more than any amount of words can express but it just never seems to be enough. I still cry myself to sleep, I still hurt, and search for things I'm better of not seeing, and at the same time I get angry because there is not another soul to blame except myself, because I am the one that left. And then, just like that, I remember HE was the reason why I left. This is his fault, and just as quick as things get bad  they suddenly become easier when the weight is taken off of me. More than happiness, I pray that I have what it takes to raise a young man that knows the difference between right and wrong. So much, that he can appreciate me for leaving one day, and may he forever be wise enough to understand why I grew to hate the "man" he calls "dad."  
THAT, is what I struggle with. Will my son hate me? Will he one day understand me? Should I go back? Is leaving really better than staying? Is this really it? All these questions leave me clueless. I rely on a three year old to provide all of these answers for me (figuratively speaking).

I can only hope that with time I can laugh instead of cry, smile instead of hurt, and love instead of hate. I pray for a heart that can love through the bad and always see the good in people. As soon as I can stop hating him, I can start loving me. So until then,  I guess here's to you Kayman, you are my only and EVERY bit of happiness I have. And quite frankly, MORE than I need and deserve.



Life is good, even though I haven't quite convinced myself to believe it, yet.