To be beautiful in this skin

Two hardcore common solid facts you need to know: I use song quotes daily, for everything, and I am so self conscious I even doubt my writing. Aka: blogging.

But anyways.
I struggled for 6 years in a bad relationship, an on and off one at that, obvi. But, I'm out and that's all that matters. And by bad I mean lying, cheating, mentally abusive, miserably, bad. 
But anyways, again.
Now that I'm out I am supposed to be this miraculously happy go lucky peachy gal right? Wrong. Sadly, stress is the only reason I have ever been content with my weight. Because of stress I was able to weigh my lowest and be my smallest. Nothing to brag about I know but I am speaking truths here. I want to be skinny, so so so bad. But, for all the wrong reasons. I always, I mean always, want to be someone I am not. Why? The "h" "e" "double hockey sticks" if I know! I want to be like his new girlfriend or in Miranda's words "more like her." Pathetic, trust me, I am aware. I can't help it. If she has long hair I think I need to have long hair, if she weighs 105 then I want to stop eating so I can weigh 105. Ew, gross right? My awful past relationship made it into this blog for a reason and here's why: HE made me feel like I wasn't good enough. HE made me feel like I wasn't small enough. It was even HE who has said some of the most horrific words that who knew even existed, ABOUT ME! And guess to who? Those girls. Those girls I so wrongfully want to be like. And ya wonder why? Hmmm!

But guess what my friends..... I woke up. I woke up from the nightmare I lived for way too long and I decided to put on some pretty big girl panties. And I decided that if I let go of every (possible) grudge that I have (there's only one exception) I would no longer feel this way. So, what did I do? I, Ashley Morris, became the bigger person for once. I apologized when needed, I accepted apologies when given, and I forgave and forgot (not completely) so that I could have a heart that was free from hate. It was then, when I stopped hating those girls that I finally, started to feel beautiful. And to be happy. Now, I'm not saying I am okay with my weight, that's not true at all, but what I am saying is this:
Until I can get to my goal weight (the healthy way) and have that "dream body," I am perfectly, happily, thoroughly content with this gal underneath her skin. And it has been a long time comin' that I can truthfully say those words. 
It's not just the looks that matter though. If you can't lay your head down every night on the pillow and be completely satisfied with every word that came out of your mouth that day and every action that you performed than I encourage you to go on this journey with me to better yourself. I want to be such a good person that when other people talk bad about me there's no way anyone would even think about believing it. 

I can't stand when guys can make a girl feel so terrible about herself just by words that they speak. And I even more, can't stand when a guy has enough authority over a girl to veer her thoughts and make her question her own morals. I have spent the "off" time in my bad relationship somehow pushing away every good and true "thing" that has ever entered my life. I am so used to "bad" I never wanted "good." Well, not anymore. I finally realized what I deserve, who I want to be, and what I want from this life.
I'm not here to bad mouth him or make him out to be this monster. I want to show you ALL what I went through without having to share every blunt gory detail. And quite honestly it doesn't matter how much I say.... This is my blog and these are my thoughts. These are my reasons. And these are my somewhat personal not so private explanations. After all, that's just what blogging is. 
I'll never allow someone to have that much control over me and I will never allow someone to break me down to a person I don't even know. This is me and I want to be beautiful (inside and out) in this skin. And that my peeps is JUST what I am doing. No need to rush into a relationship with someone I don't even know (cough cough) when I can better myself and let the right one find me, on my time, and my standards. 
It's got to be a sad feeling to be so lonely that someone would settle for just anything. If it's not everything it just ain't happenin'
Take on this journey with me and lets be the best "you" we can possibly be!

XXXXXXXo