I'm now the mother of a broken, devastated, brokenhearted, four year old little boy. Don't take any of that lightly. Or think that it represents the slightest amount of exaggeration.
I speak to my child in ways no parent will ever have to speak to theirs; and he is four.
I'm in a constant battle with myself, his dad, and Kayden's broken life, that sometimes I don't have a clue how I have it in me to keep going.
I never realized how "mean" and "bitter" of a woman I really was until I discovered that I no longer have the power to protect my four year old BABY from this freezing cold world. I had no idea how hard I was to get along with until I was faced with a situation and an obstacle to overcome every single day. I never realized just how many people tell me to "smile" on an everyday basis, and so effortlessly at that. I never realized that by making one decision that I was responsible for every challenge my son will face, and has faced. For 422 days now. June 16th. A day I will never forget.
I was constantly being told that a "happy mom makes for a happy baby" or that "a happy mom is better than a broken home." So, this "changed" life I live from co-parenting is the outcome of me listening to advice from people who don't have to live with the consequences.
IF I could go back, no part of me doubts for a second that I would. As a mom you sacrifice. You neglect yourself. You make a pact to your baby the day they are laid on your chest and you never for one single second think about changing your mind. The pact stands. Even beyond the adult age. Kayden is, and always will be, "mamas BABY." I was miserable. To the point where I slept in my own bedroom, couldn't look at my "significant other," couldn't even bare the sound of his name. But now...... Kayden is the one miserable. SO again, I tell you, YES, I would go back. I would've gladly stayed miserable for the sake of my sons well-being.
BUT, and a big BUT, there's Ry. He is every dream come true. Every prayer answered. He's what true love represents. And more than anything he is, and always will be, as long as I'm alive and breathing, the best part of me. So no, I don't know that I would go back anymore. I used to know and be so confident that the life Ryan and I could provide for Kayden would surpass anything I could ever offer Kayden where I was previously. But everyday as I face the newest "battle" and "argument" I can't stand firm on that assumption. What I can do though is thank God for a man, who's man enough, to stand beside me, and endure this pain and bumpy road with me.
I stand confident on my upbringing and the morals, values, and reasons my parents have instilled in me. I'm as every bit of stubborn like my daddy as I am smart and fearless like my mama. I know that what is "right" and "normal" reflects through my actions and my parenting and I can only pray that my child is able to pick up on those traits.
Children who come from broken homes also have a broken heart. So remember that. While I'm not innocent in any way, nor am I a saint, or even God's greatest gift to earth but I'll tell you this much, I make one hell of a mom. And while I can't protect my baby from this ugly place all of the time, you can bet your butt I'll die trying.
If you have a baby and they are on a schedule- YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LUCKY YOU ARE.
If you have a baby and they aren't constantly thrown around form person to person, place to place, every single day- YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LUCKY YOU ARE.
If you get to parent your child exactly the way you want to and never have to miss a beat of the most precious years of their life- YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LUCKY YOU ARE.
I encourage you to get counseling if your relationship is having issues or problems. Every relationship goes through them. And if you can, try your hardest to never fall out of love with the person who's child you carried. A lifetime full of arguments and watching your child's innocence slowly be taken away isn't worth anything on God's green Earth.
I'm a mom. I shouldn't be limited to my child, his best interest, and most of all, his care. But I am. And while I chose this life, I can promise you on anything I never knew I was choosing THIS.
Every night when you go to bed say a prayer. Not for me. But for Kayden. Pray my child doesn't have to be the victim anymore of two people who hate each other with a burning passion. Pray my child gets to make choices, and at best- keep his innocence. Pray that as time passes things get easier for Kayden. And pray to God that I find it in me to see the good in every situation.
If you've met my child even once you know he doesn't deserve the slightest bit of this hurt. Heck, no kid does.
No four year old physically or mentally has the stimulation or the function to process all that comes from separation and the brokenness it creates. I know that there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Just as sure as I am that you cannot buy a child's love. It is my only wish that Kayden will one day know that everything I did was what I thought to be best for him. All my decisions and actions, even the horrible ones, were for his wellbeing. I hope that I figure this co-parenting out one day. I hope I figure out how to forgive people, even the ones who don't deserve it. I don't want to hold grudges and constantly have my days ruined. I don't want to fear anyone or worry about what's coming next. When I tell you "co-parenting has changed my life" what I really mean is ruined my life. I don't want this anymore. I don't want to know my four year old stresses and has to think like a 35 year old grown adult. I want my child to be a child, and not one thing more.
As I learn about the death of Robin Williams, and the illnesses he suffered from, I really got to thinking. I've got the perfect guy (nothing he does or ever will do can change my thinking), a darling, charming, brilliant, and adorable little angel boy, my own place, three jobs, thick and easy to style hair, the title of a USF Bull, a brand new car, and the most loving family, alive. While it seems I have it "ALL," let me be the first to tell you that all that glitters isn't gold. Robin Williams is responsible for some of the best contributions to my childhood, endless laughs to millions, and more money than most..... he didn't have it "all" either. My point in all of this is every single day people fight battles we all know nothing about. Don't be deceived by what pictures can show, people can say, and smiles can hide. Everyone is broken in some way. Be careful to pass by judgements when you can be forwarding something as simple as your smile. You don't realize just how bad words can hurt people. IF you're miserable, don't make the rest of the world suffer with you. Find the good in your struggles, and embrace them.
I would like to trust that God will lighten my load eventually. And if he doesn't I pray he at least strengthens my shoulders.
Oh & provides me with a lifetime supply of tissues.
As a mama, you love your child beyond any reasonable measurements and I'm thankful that can never be taken away from me.
Goodbye diary, hello feeling of refreshment! :)
XXXXXXXX Ash!
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